Resentment

This past Sunday my Pastor gave me a front row beating that was near ungodly. I was so hurt and frustrated and angry with the message he was speaking I kept trying to leave! My skin literally began to crawl…

I know that I have been hurt, I know I struggle letting go of the past, I know I struggle forgiving. So what else? What else are you going to tell me? I was mad- I mean I pray that I change and I am able to do better, I pray a lot about my hurt and pain and it hasn’t changed.

I sat front row center on Sunday- and it felt like Pastor Art jumped off that “stage” and beat me with the hand of God. I have never had an experience like that.

He spoke about un forgiveness leading to RESENTMENT:

Resentment (also called ranklement or bitterness) is the experience of a negative emotion (anger or hatred, for instance)^[1] felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.

Than he talked about this resentment and how it leads to certain things:

Anger, jealousy, ANXIETY, depression and eventually it can kill you or lead to wanting to die.

That was me. I have suffered unrelenting resentment towards my 9 year old for the way he treats me. (you have to read old posts) So much so that I was livid that my husband could show so much love to him immediately after watching him verbally and on occasion physically attack me. How? How do you act like everything is okay? I am so hurt an broken and you are holding hands and getting “quality time”. What about me?

It lead to serious bouts of depression and anxiety- I came from 10 years of abuse and entered a marriage where I endure abuse from a child. They are few things as an adult that you can do to protect yourself from a child. I found myself just angry- I lost all joy. There were times I questioned if I could go on.

Lord, it is not just un forgiveness I face but resentment! Resentment was killing me. I wanted him to feel how sad and hurt I was- like it would matter.

What a FOOL? I AM SELFISH AND FOOLISH! I know that I am suppose to change to see change and I feel like I have but I am constantly pushed because I am not reaping the rewards of my efforts as fast as I would like. ME, ME,ME.

I know that there is so much I need to heal from and it is a difficult road and a long one at that. So I will press through and believe that God knows my heart and is aware of my pain. I know that I was not created to suffer forever- and that eventually this pain will become my testimony. I will be able to use what I have endured to reach out to others.

What areas do you hold resentment? How do you deal with un forgiveness?

Always remember no matter what you are going through, you are not alone.

~T

Lifted up

As I slowly rise from where I am

I can feel the weight pressing me down

How do I rise when it is so hard to move

If I get up, what do I get up to?

So I raise my arms

I roll my neck

Every part of my body I begin to stretch.

With every ache and every pain

I remember his name

The one who has promised

never to leave

The one that loved

even the worst of me

The mere thought of all that love

makes me fall to my knees

And with my head hanging down

the tears begin to fall

How great is your love?

I raise my arms

I lift my head

I praise his name

I know in my heart I am not alone

no matter what my God is on his throne

He sent his son

To die for me

So that my sins

could be set free

Even though there are those that hurt me

I know when I cry out he is there to lift me

~T

Thank you God for saving me

Helping Others

I have never been the type of person to shy away from helping others. Probably because I know I have a lot of areas that need help. I remember the struggles I had in my life, when I felt lost and alone- I would never wish that emptiness on anyone.

I am starting to realize that everything I went through, all the pain I survived was to help lift up others that are going through the same hurt.

There were days I wished I could go to bed and never wake up, moments where I did not know my value,  days where I just felt like I was wondering aimlessly in the darkness. I have always been a bit of an introvert, a homebody. In public I could be loud and fun if I had people I was comfortable with surrounding me. But if someone called to hang out-I would make excuses not to go; even though I was at home completely bored. I lacked any confidence.

Now as God has started freeing me of so much of that pain, I am being surrounded with girls and woman that are in the same struggle. I get to be an encouragement. I am not ashamed of my past- I will admit my many, many …..many flaws all day to let people know  they are not alone.

I may not be able to get a homeless person off the streets, but my smile and an encouraging conversation can give them hope in humanity. I can’t save every woman going through an abusive relationship- but  can give them encouragement and help them see their personal worth. I can’t make every girl look in the mirror and see beauty- but I can encourage them.

The world can be a ugly, scary place and if we are not fighting to encourage people the negative parts of life will destroy them.

My amazing husband and I are the same- no questions asked assistance to everyone. You are in danger- my door is open. You hungry-eat my last bite of food. You just need someone to cry to- pick a shoulder. Never do I need something in return. Helping others should be a way of life. Sow that Grace into your life because you never know when you will be in need. I do it because it is the right thing to do- I don’t want to be the last chance for someone to find hope and not provide it.

Truth is no matter what I am going through I know that when I reach out to others my personal life feels more peaceful. Loving and helping others allows me to appreciate my life, my struggles…. no matter how low I feel I know it is not the end.

Take the time to reach out everyday, open your heart and time to one person and see if you are blessed with peace.

~T

PERFECTLY PERFECT & BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN

Fearless Woman Friday

We see WCW, MCM…. I dub today Fearless Friday. As I was     scrolling my Facebook page I came across this video from Morgan Monroe and was about brought to tears. Not tears of sympathy but I was moved by her story.

Morgan has a story of coming to faith in the face of adversity. When everyone tried to give her “bad” news she stood on God and her faith in him. It is that faith that has led her to tell her story, to reach an and inspire others. As I read and watched I was sure the outcome would be fairytale, no more cancer! That’s not the case (yet). But she is a warrior pressing through. She shows beauty and grace in the face of adversity. When many people would fall apart and I am sure she has had weak moments, she is using her story for good. Spreading the word of God and showing what strong woman should be.

Morgan shows struggle, tears and laughter in her video. My faith lets me know that great things are coming to Morgan for her fearlessness, I choose to believe she will be rewarded for the choice she made to reach out and inspire others, for her choice to turn to God.

Morgan Monroe, I don’t know you but I am inspired by you.

I come to God in agreement with you and Christians everywhere to pray for you and your healing and blessings. Because the word says when to or more come in agreement…. I come in agreement and I press in prayer for you. There is greatness and strength in you.

~T

No matter what you are facing choose to look at it from a positive. Your story can change lives. Chose to be a game changer- you are a warrior. #TEAMMORGAN

Beautiful

What is beautiful anymore?

I look at social media and I am intrigued at how beauty continues to shift.

Is todays “beautiful” about heavy artistic makeup, with false lashes, and skin tight clothes? Is that what I should set for myself or my daughter?

I want to be a success in the beauty blog/vlog social media atmosphere, and at times I get sucked into wanting to recreate what I see as popular; then I remember something. Everything is beauty. I took a walk down to the beach today and found inspiration and beauty in everything.

The depth of color in the grass and trees: they are not just green but so many shades of green. Then I approach the water and I never realized or appreciated the sand; seriously from the texture an the  colors and how much is needed. Watching the water and waves, it was breathtaking.

Beauty is everywhere. Literally we share a world with pure beauty. If you can block out the vortex of negativity that surrounds us and get back to basics you can find the beauty around you.

While so many of us makeup artist are fighting to help people look younger, to hide undesired facial features and create something youthful and beautiful I have found that beauty is not limited to age or tight skin or perfect bodies.

My husband and I took our youngest child to breakfast at IHOP this morning and we sat next to a group of senior citizens. The man in the group put the largest smile on my face today, I don’t remember the last time I have had a genuine and light hearted conversation with a complete stranger. To be honest the gentleman made everyone he came into contact with smile or laugh. They exited before us and I felt such relief and total happiness. I was overcome with joy of beauty they brought to the restaurant. It was beautiful, the outlook they had on life and the joy they got from making people smile.

In a building filled with youth- in an age where Kim Kardashian seems to be setting the Beauty standard, that table of laughter, that table of senior citizens not concerned with hair,makeup, or clothing were the most beautiful people I have met in a long time. They embraced who they were, their age and life circumstances but they rocked the best accessory- laughter.

Beauty isn’t makeup. It is genuine inner love and happiness. I urge you to sit outside today and enjoy the beauty in the world. At the end of the day the makeup it took an hour to put on, the hair, the dress, and jewelry all come off and you are stuck with the truth of who you are.

Love yourself, that is truly beautiful.

~T

Book Review: Circle Maker

It is no secret to most that know me on a personal level. I was never the book type. As I have matured I find myself reading more and more, and if it’s good I catch myself finishing a book.

Most recently I have been reading The Circle Maker. Wow, what an amazing and inspiring book. I am so obsessed I’m giving it an A+ an I haven’t finished it yet. So far this is the stand out quote “never put a comma where God puts a period, and never put a period where God puts a comma.” I am convinced at this point I will be using this as my life motto.

I think of all the times I gave up on something, and have spent time thinking “what if”? Could it be that I ended my story too soon, did I put a period where a comma should have been? In life there are set backs and I think as a whole people tend to give up too soon. If we try and fail maybe we try again but eventually most of us quit. However that no your not going to do that could have been a not yet.

Would we continue to fight through failure and rejection is there was a promise that no matter what, no matter the sacrifice that you would receive a great reward. Would we still feel like we have failed?

As a Christian woman building on a relationship with God this hit me hard. I have quit so many times on my dreams. The dream comes back I try and I quit because I am not receiving reward fast enough. The fact that my dream refuses to go away, now feels like God yelling  me: “hey stupid! How long until you realize I decide how and when? If you aren’t patient you won’t succeed but I promise if you quit you will never finish.” That’s it! If I stop I will never finish.

So I am grabbing that awesome pink pearl eraser from my childhood and erasing the periods that didn’t belong in my life.

Don’t stop, pray and press through. You don’t want to be one failure away from success.

~T

Decoding Woman- finding truth

I am so stinking amused my this. I keep finding it on Facebook and boy oh boy do I get a laugh out of it. I mean this should be it, give one to every man and they can never again say how complicated we are, right? Well, it is really a yes and no answer.

If you follow me you know I am not going to lie… I’m  so that woman they are writing about. I have head plenty of debate on the matter. People who think woman like this can’t speak their minds, or that we are stuck up, or insecure and the list goes on and on. For those woman that can speak everything they think and want: I applaud you, I even envy you a bit. I would love to be able to freely blurt my emotions all day long; my momma taught me if I didn’t have anything nice to say not to say anything at all. Ha ha I blamed my momma.

The truth is I want to see myself as that strong woman that always has an answer. Speaks her mind, and is not afraid to admit her feelings no matter how crazy they are. Oh, how I long to be that woman. I have definitely used these terms regularly, especially pertaining to my husbands video games. ” Go ahead, it’s fine” Are you sure? What’s wrong? “Nothing it’s fine, really”. But in my mind and behind closed doors, I am whining:

He doesn’t care

He doesn’t understand

I don’t need any attention

It’s okay nobody worry about me

Then I go on to complain how I want to destroy the computer… Or my favorite maybe if I dressed up as a computer I would get some attention and action; yes,  I went there.

Some people say well just tell him.

Here’s the thing I am that way because I have been conditioned to be. Ladies if you use these terms because your past has created that in you, it is okay. I often catch myself saying, I wasn’t always like that. I used to have opinions and feelings and desires. After a long emotionally and verbally abusive relationship I realized I had gotten too afraid to speak my mind and have fallen on these terms for my life. These terms were a quick way to end a conversation before they got heated. Wow, those scars take a long while to heal. Even after healing they don’t go away completely.

I am now married to a man that knows better. When I respond with: whatever, go ahead and fine; he sits me down and tries to get me to open and transparent with my feelings. It is hard, I actually get irritated and uncomfortable at the thought of saying these things. I know if I said “can we watch a movie?” he would stop everything and watch one with me. My problem is feeling like I am valid.

Men if your woman uses these terms, love them, work to find the root of the problem. Ladies if this is you, you are valid, you matter. Make an effort to answer basic questions from the heart.

Be strong!

~T

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT & BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN

What’s your story?

 

 

DIY: Dreams Redone

I am a huge fan of visualization. I love to see my goals and the things that I aspire towards, it keep me motivated. I did not want a plain “dream board”. I have pretty big dreams and I want to see them in a beautiful way.

My neighbor donated an old corkboard to me. It was obvious it had some use and was falling apart. I did not want to see my dreams on anything falling to pieces. However, seeing as I am building my life up from the ruins of divorce an craziness, I thought it would be symbolic to bring a beautiful beginning  to something used and beaten.

My steps:

1- I used gold and silver paint pens I found in a box in the garage and went to town on the wood border. Adding two colors brings texture and dimension, the Gold and Silver bring the subtle bling factor!

2- Bought a yard of chevron patterned fabric at the local Fabric Store

3- Cut said fabric in a bad mood and butchered it, opps!!!

4- Found awesome border stuff (don’t know what it is called) at Target

5- Made border so nobody will see I butchered the fabric

All in all it cost about $8 to redo, $4 if I could cut right…. but it is so special to me. The last step is just to attach the border, and start dreaming.

Hand it over

I have always had control issues, for as long as I could remember. As a single mom the control to be the best mom ever was insane… now that I am married to a man that is clearly competent at being a father (he had primary custody alone for 3 years before me) I find my control to get in the way a bit.

If you are a single parent or stay at home parent I am sure a part of you relates to this. Now that I am a stay at home mom and my husband is a kick butt Military man. I feel like I have the job of maintaining perfection in our home and as a mom. He hates this… apparently it can make him feel not needed and useless. Here I was thinking any man would love a woman that does it all…. NOPE!!!

I layed in bed. For me this is torture, my body just aches from laying there, lol. But I let him get his man time in, everyone needs personal time. He also was there to greet the kids in the morning and make sure they were ready for school, fed, and out the door on time. It seems so small, but it drives me crazy. I feel almost as if I fail as a wife and mom by allowing him to do this, but I know he gets a sense of accomplishment from it. Ultimately this small gesture will strengthen our marriage and family. How you ask? Remember when you first started dating and you would make your man feel like a big strong man, he was the funniest wisest person you knew. Remember how he made you feel special, beautiful, smart. Well guess what, that was what you fell in love with. Over time we get complacent and forget to make our spouse feel that important… communication starts to lack… and down hill fast! OH, I KNOW!

A man wants to feel like a man as much as we want respect as woman.

What is a small thing you can hand over? It could be a compliment, praise, help, or letting some small control go. Little things in relationships can break or mend. Make a choice an hand it over.

~T

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT & BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN

Love is a choice

Okay backlashers, careful here. I believe that statement and say, “love is a choice and so id forgiveness”.

How many past relationships were based on “if”. Let me clarify if you are an “if” lover you sound like this:

1. I would love them more if they…were romantic, took me out, made more money
2. Things would work if they… were less bossy, spent more time with me, were more understanding
3. I would trust them if they…. gave me every password, let me see their texts
4. I would be nicer if they…. gave me a reason to be

Or maybe you like but’s, not booties but the “but”. If your a but person you sound like this:

1. I love them but…
2. I want to forgive them but….
3. I would spend more time with them but…
4. I would have more sex but….

Booty booty booty everywhere!!!

If love is so conditional, think of all the times your parents could have divorced you or better yet your kids could divorce you! They choose to love and forgive. Like God choose to love and forgive. Love is a beautiful gift you choose to give people.

Some of you say family has to love each other. Not true! There are lots of families that don’t! If your friend crashed your car and couldn’t afford to fix it how hard would it be to show love and forgiveness as your dealing with insurance, repair shops, rental car, and the costs. Some of you would never be friends with that “irresponsible” person again. If your kid did it to your car, you would still love them (I hope, my mom did). If your friend lost an expensive piece of your jewelry would you forgive them or be so angry you never talk to them again. Would your spouse divorce and stop loving you over a ring?

Love is a choice. Not an easy choice, yes it can hurt. But you choose to love and forgive and move forward or keep hoping for greener grass. But, the grass is only greener because someone is spreading the manure on it!